Thank you so much for your letter. I am glad you have decided to keep an honest and open communication with me. After all, we have been together now for almost 10 years and the money I have spent in interest to our relationship couldn't possibly be measured any more.

I am sad to hear that the economic environment has affected you, I feel awful for you. I can't even imagine how horrible it must be for you. I really felt bad when I heard your CEO, Fairbanks, got hit with a million dollar loss in compensations and only received $17 million in stock options.

I know government assistance is hard to survive on. You only got $3.56 billion in November and you didn't even get food stamps. Holy crap!! They didn't make you stand in line with the welfare folks, did they? I couldn't bear to know you had to slum with the poor.

And of course I would love to help out. I care about you just as much as you care about me, so please go ahead and tack on that 24.9% variable rate if you think it will help you. And of course tack on that annual 29.4% floating above the prime rate. I love that...I think that will really get you out of the hole. I am so happy you have found a way to pass the buck and lean on me. After all you helped me in tough times, too. Remember when I lost my job and needed to float groceries and my electric bill on your tab for a few months.

What would I do without you?

I promise I will send out this letter to all my friends to spread the word.

Sincerely,

Consumer 8721

 

So because I am bored and I think that people are always looking for nice words to read, or to think about something that may expand your minds, I am starting a new segment.

Tada!!!!!!!

Words of Wisdom Saturday....

Every (or as many as I remember to do) Saturday I will post a new Quote and possibly add my thoughts. You should too! Comment on them and we can have a nice little chat.

Drum roll please....

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.

-John Barrymore

Do any of you know people that you cannot have a normal conversation with? Where you have to remind yourself, that around them, you have to be very un-opinionated? Let me clarify what I am talking about. These people/person will ALWAYS think they are right, when they are soooo wrong, so you limit the topics you talk about, but sometimes, in conversation, important topics like politics, movies, news, celebrity gossip, etc. come up and you can’t help by listen the idiotic views they have on said topic? You can’t get a word in and when you do, they hear what they want and twist everything around, so all you want to do is bang their head against a wall until they beg for mercy and agree to listen to what you have to say so they can hear the whole thought.

I work with those people. All of them. Yesterday a co-worker was talking to me about Rihanna and Chris Brown, in case you live in a cave, Chris Brown “beat the crap” out of Rihanna and there is a pending investigation as to what happened. Pictures were “leaked” and now everyone knows how Rihanna looked after pissing Chris Brown off, ok back to the story. So…we will call him Shaggy (ironic because he is as bald as a baby’s tucus!).  As I walked into my cubical Shaggy asks if I have seen the pics of Rihanna, our convo:

Me: No…(logs on to computer and goggles pics)Ooh my! Yeah I just saw them wow!

Shaggy walks to my cubical: Nasty right? Man Fuck Chris Brown, I hope he gets put in County Jail

Emily: Yeah well, we will see what happens. There have been so many outrageous stories, that I bet the real story is just something so stupid and simple. Wow how embarrassing for her, not only does she have all these crazy rumors, now she has pictures to back it up. (Looks at screen and reads the article)

Shaggy: Emmmm (he can never say Emily)…are you defending Chris Brown?

Me: Whaaat? Now I was just saying tha---

Shaggy: No I see what you are saying. You think that it’s not even true huh? That the pictures are fake?

Me: No I was simply saying that beca---

Shaggy: No no, Rihanna hater! (Walks to his cubical)

Me: Shaggy, I was simply saying that I am sure she wants this whole thing to be over with and now with the pictures relea---

Shaggy: (another co-worker walks by) Cheeks… Emmm is defending Chris Brown

Cheeks: Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa aaaatttt?!!! Milly! (another one with the inability to say Emily)

Me: ((((rolls eyes as Cheeks comes to my cubical)))) Hey Cheeks! No Shaggy is over reacting I was just saying tha---

Cheeks: Oh no! Milly! What he did was wrooong!

Now Shaggy comes over : Don’t waste your time Cheeks, she is so a Rihanna hater.

Me: ****Irritated as hell**** LOOK ALL I WAS SAYING WAS THAT I AM SURE RIHANNA JUST WANTS THIS TO BE OVER AND THE FACT THAT PICTURES WERE RELEASED MAKES IT WORSE FOR THE POOR GIRL. WHAT HE DID IS WRONG…BLACK AND WHITE. I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, YOU DO NOT HIT ANYONE, ESPICIALLY...A MAN SHOULD NEVER HIT, PUSH, PINCH, BITE WHATEVER A WOMAN! SO STOP SAYING THAT I AM DEFENDING HIM AND WHAT HE DID.

Cheeks and Shaggy: Wow….

Shaggy: Clam down now Emmm….no need to get all worked up.

Me: [deep sigh, looks at computer screen] well then…

Last night J and I went to watch Jo Koy perform. If you do not know who Jo Koy is, please visit this link www.jokoy.com, he is the funniest Filipino comedian I have seen and I am in love with him! Seeing him last night was hands down the best way I could have spent my Friday night. I am so addicted to him, I wish he was mine!

While I am thrilled that you are thrilled with what is undoubtedly very expensive perfume, it really is unnecessary for you to bathe in it each and every time you go to the john.

Really.

Trust me on this.

I’m sure it’s very lovely scent, but I can’t really be certain because the stench of it practically knocks me unconscious every time I enter the damn bathroom.  It’s hard to appreciate the smell of something that is physically assaulting you - and winning.  It is, in fact, so bad that I’ve been seriously contemplating the mechanics required for the use of a urinal without a penis.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make an appointment with an ear, nose and throat specialist, to see if my olfactory sense will ever operate normally again.  In the meantime, I’m sure I’m not the only person in a five-mile radius the building who would appreciate it if you would be so kind as to throw the Chanel No. 5 knockoff out the window practice a little moderation.

Thanks ever so much,
Emily